Official Warning: This page may be very dumb, offensive to the rhythm section, guitarists and more. We would recommend those of low mirth factor to go away to a sensible page.
This page is dedicated to Crazy Pete Luszczek & Jock McLintock in Kosmic despatch.
There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.
Q- How many country singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A- Seven- one to screw in the bulb, and six to write a song about how much they miss the old one.
Q- How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A- Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
you can tell that was written by some one over 30..........
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a drummer's car?
A- Take off the Domino's sign. (if he has a job)
Q: Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
A: Because most shops close by six thirty.
Q: What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A: A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.
2 guys were walking down the street. One was destitute.
The other was a guitarist as well.
Why to bands need Roadies?
To translate what the drummer says.
Two drummers walk into a bar...which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it.
A Customer walks into a new shop on his street that sell brains.There are three glass cases,each containing a kilos worth of nice wet quivering grey brain. The first one says "Astrophysicist", and it costs $10. The second says "Avon Salesman" and costs $1000. The third says "Drummer" and costs $10,000. The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson. "why is it that the kilo of drummer's brains is so damned expensive?" he asked, the shop keep said,
"Do you know how many drummers it takes to get a kilo of brains?"
A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a
Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room
spins.
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?
You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.
if a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny,
Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.
this one is oh so true.............
Q: Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A: Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.
The classic one:
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.
One friend to another: "Why do you hang around with that drummer??"
"Beats me!"
Q: What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A: "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."
Q: What's the difference between a dead wombat in the middle of the road and a dead piano accordion player ?
A:The wombat was on it's way to a gig
Q: What kind of diary does a piano accordion player have ?
A: A year a page.
Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra ?
A: With an orchestra the horns are at the back and the a******* at the front.
Thanks Mary!
Q: What do you get when you cross a Gorilla with a drummer?
A: A dumb Gorilla!
Here is another joke to ease the pain!
Q: Whats the difference between a guitarist and a trust fund?
A: A Trust fund matures and eventually gets some money.
Q. What does it mean if your drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
A. The stage is level.
Please,please Send more jokes to us!
Take it away man....
A jazz player was hired to play with a symphony orchestra. The first
movement was fine as there were some really hairy solo's. However, during the second movement the jazzer started improvising furiously. After the concert the conductor asked what all the impro' stuff was about. 'well man the score said 'tacit', so I took it.
Jungle Fever!
An explorer on safari goes into an uncharted area of jungle, deep inside
the dense undergrowth he hears drums. For days and days and days he hears the drums relentlessly pounding away. After weeks of pounding drums it suddenly stops, and with it his bearers drop all the bags and dive for cover. The explorer dives for cover and asks why all the bearers are cowering with hands over their ears. Heap big problem bwana, when drums stop bass solo starts. AAAAARGH!
Q. How do you get a guitar player to player quieter?
A. Give him some sheet music.
URGENT! PLEASE SEND US NEW JOKES!
Did you hear about the bass player that locked his keys in his car? He had to break the window to get the drummer out.
Q - Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
A - So the rest of the band can understand them.
Q - How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
A - None...they just steal somebody else's light
Gaz's Ode to the guitar
(according to a hen pecked rock'n'roll rooster!)
You can play your Guitar any time of the month.
Guitars don't have parents.
Guitars don't whine... unless you want them to.
You can share your Guitar with your friends.
Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played
Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you have.
Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars.
Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines.
You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to proud father of a new
Guitar" unless you go out to buy one yourself.
If your Guitar is flat you can fix it.
Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it.
Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Guitar.
If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before
you play it again.
You can play your Guitar as long as you want and it won't get sore.
You can stop playing your Guitar as soon as you want and it won't get
frustrated.
Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you
dump it.
Guitars don't get headaches.
Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player.
Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars.
Guitars don't care if you're late.
You don't have to take a shower before you play your Guitar.
If your Guitar doesn't look good you can refinish it or get new parts.
You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having
to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
The only protection you have to wear when playing your Guitar is a
decent thumb pick.
When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great time you had
the last time you played your Guitar.
and what list of jokes would be complete without a drummer joke.
Q:What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A:Drool.
Q "How does a singer change a lightbulb?"
A "They stand still and let the room revolve around them"....
Q "How do you confuse a drummer?
A "Put him in a barrel and tell him to pee in the corner".
Special guest joke teller Mr Chris Kinman! (Kinman pick-ups)
Q "What do you call a drummer with half a brain?"
A "Gifted".
Q "How do you get two drummers to play in time?"
A "Shoot one".
Q "What's the range of a fretless bass?"
A "Twenty yards if you have a good arm".
Q "What was the epitaph on the blues players gravestone?"
A "I didn't wake up this morning".
Thanks Chris for those corkers!
More jokes coming soon! Send in your jokes!
Q. Who has an IQ of a watermelon and hangs around bands ?
A. A drummer .
Q. Why do drummers leave their drum sticks on the dashboard of their car?
A. So they can park in the disabled carpark .
Q. How can you tell that there is a drummer at your door?
A. Because the knocking is all out of time and he doesn't know when to come in.
Q: What do you throw at a drowning guitar player?
A: A guitar.
A guitar player dies and goes to heaven, where he is met at the gate...
"Excuse me, is this the right place?"
"Sure is if you are good, Dude" replies the gatekeeper.
"Is Yngwie Malmsteen up here, man?" the guitarist asks...
"No way, Dude, he is down there" says the gatekeeper.
"Cool, I hate sweep picking and all that speed guitar w%$k sh&t" says the happy picker. As our hero sits practising on his cloud he hears the strains of
"Black Star" and "Rising Force" and he asks the gatekeeper...
"I thought you said Yngwie was down there, man"
"He is" replied the gatekeeper..."That's God, He thinks he's Yngwie...."
D'oh! Unknown author!
Q: How do you fit 90 musos into a mini?
A: Up an A & R mans a$@e. English record industry standard joke.
Q: How does a jazz guitar player make a million dollars?
A: He starts with 2 million!
Q: What does a drummer use as a contraceptive?
A: His personality.
Quick hint # 1: "How to break the band up without even trying."
Girlfriends.
A couple who's relationship was on the rocks went to a marriage counselor
who could not get them to discuss anything. The communication block was so
heavy that nothing he suggested could make them open up and talk. Finally
after several sessions of non-communication, the counselor stands up,
walks to the corner of the room and produces a bass guitar. He brings it to the
couple, plugs it into a small practice amp and begins to play fervently.
Gradually their barriers break down and they begin to discuss their
problems and little things that always bothered them that they never felt
encouraged to bring up before.
At the end of the session, they were smiling and laughing just like old
times. They paid their bill and before leaving, asked the counselor, "What
did you do? How did that song help make everything work out?"
He answered simply, "Everybody talks during the bass solo."
"Hey, that last hint really works!
Thank you for visiting, please call again!
Dr Shredley.
Kosmic Guitars - The Official Website!
Email us more dumb jokes!jamiep@kosmic.com.au
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